It All Comes Back to the Pregnancy

I must be pretty consumed by my pregnancy, is that normal? 8 weeks, 5 days, and counting. I try to think of something else to write about, my life is more complex than that, really. But everything for me comes back to my pregnancy. For example, I think about work. I had a really long day today. So, this leads me to think about how hard it is to have these long days now that I am fatigued from my pregnancy. It also leads me to reflect on the various reactions I have gotten from co-workers that I have told about my pregnancy. (This in itself is interesting, as I want everyone to think this news is half as wonderful as I do, and some really do not).

Then I think about my week in general, and I think about how some days I have felt really sick and others not. I think about my relationship with my husband lately, and how, to me, he seems a little distant lately. Is there truth to this, or am I being paranoid? There are so many factors to consider here. Let's just say that between the stomach issues (use your imaginations here), and the recent fatigue (therefore missing a couple morning's showers, to have to do it later that night), and my lack of exercise, my increasing intake of carbs, and his worries about money, etc, I am sure he is not as drawn to me as he was before. (So, of all topics related to my pregnancy, this is the one I need to explore further here).

I don't know if I am being fair, I don't know if these things really bother him like that, or if they do, I don't know that he pulls away in response to them. This could be my paranoia and insecurities. I like to think he embraces our pregnancy. I know he is happy and that he really wants this. We are just two different creatures at times. I had a fantasy of him being taken in by emotion, and that he would read books with me, he would truly sympathize about my symptoms, and he would be more outwardly excited with me. Truth be told, he is excited, in his own way, not my way. I know he is also worried about money, that is what my husband does. (I really do not worry about money, I believe we are okay in that area, and he worries enough for the both of us). Now that I am pregnant, and will be working less and less, and now that there will be one more person to care for, he is feeling pressured.

So, are these hormones for me, or do we have issues to address? (Or both?) I just hate when I feel less connected to my husband. And the fact that he really does not take the time, (or have the ability?) to consciously identify his feelings so that he can articulate them to me - instead he re-acts or I end up sensing something and have to guess/ask/pull teeth, makes it really hard and frustrating at times. Anyway, things really have gotten better between us, and are really pretty good over-all. We just have our last remaining issues to work on, and sometimes communication is one of them. Well, we still have our couple's therapy, and tomorrow is the day. Hopefully, I can get a sense of what he IS feeling, rather than assuming, which I don't want to do, it isn't fair to him or to me.

Truthfully, it feels a little vulnerable and uncomfortable for me to be so honest on my blog about my feelings, my insecurities. But, I am gonna take a risk and see how it goes. Maybe it will feel therapeutic. Any insight or words of advise, feel free to share.

Enough pregnancy related ranting for now, more to come.

Late-night Inventory

It is 12:55 a.m. here in Michigan, Tuesday morning, very early. I cannot sleep. I am so tired, yet feel so awake. So, I snuck out of bed (well, I tried to anyway, my husband is a VERY light sleeper). I came downstairs and thought I would read my usual blogs. Much to my disappointment, no-one has done a post in the last day or two (well, no-one whose blog I read, anyway). So, I had read them all already. It was then that I thought I might want to update mine, since mine is about a week old. (Hypocracy!)

I went to the doctor for my first exam since being pregnant on Wednesday. They told me to arrive 15 minutes early, and then kept me waiting 25 minutes past my scheduled appointment time, not a good first impression. They weren't even apologetic. My experience once in was much better, though. I met with a mid-wife. I wasn't sure I wanted to do this, I was scared. I am used to the idea of doctors. But, I wanted to try. I liked all that I had heard from my girlfriends, and what I read in my many pregnancy books. I liked the experience, and I liked the mid-wife. (She is one of 4 in the practice, and I will be working with them all).

So, I had the usual check-up, but because of my tilted uterus (I have known about this for years now) they could not tell from the actual exam if I was even pregnant, let alone how far along. So, this warranted a vaginal ultrasound (and it means my insurance will pay for it!) So, at 8 weeks along, I got to have an ultrasound and see the baby's heart beat. It was so awesome. It really made it real for me. (My husband was there too.) It's like I knew I was pregnant, but I was holding my breath, and couldn't let it go until I had proof. The exam itself would have been something, but the ultrasound, it really made it real. So, I am 8 weeks and some days along, and I am definitely pregnant. (I have the ultrasound picture for proof!) Oh, and I have only one fetus in there, not twins. (There was some speculation on the part of my family, and worry on the part of my husband, as twins run in my family, and there is no truth to it skipping generations, at least not in my family. Oh, and did I mention I am a twin? I have a twin brother).

So, like many pregnant women, I have the usual symptoms. I don't recall ever hating feeling this bad (physically) yet loving it at the same time. I am certain it is like nothing else. With every wave of nausea, and every one of my million trips to the bathroom, and every time I wake up during the night to shift positions, with every pang of absolute fatigue, I may be irritated, but the knowledge that I am healthy and that (so far) my baby is healthy, I am glad that things are just the way they are, nausea and all. The world, and even our country, has seen so much heartbreak lately, I am counting my blessings where I see them!

Goodnight world. I am off to slumber!