My Baby

My pride and joy. Isn't he ADORABLE?

Update

Well, I had my doctor's appointment on Tuesday. My doctor had previously told me to bring a list of two-weeks worth of blood pressure testings, three times per day, and to bring my blood pressure monitor. So, I did as told. Each time I took my pressure with my cuff, it read somewhere around 105/150. We all know that is a high reading. So, guess what my pressure was at my doctor's office? 120/80. That is a good reading, not high at all. So, he took it with his manual cuff, and that is what he got for the reading. Then, he had me take it with mine, and of course, it came out as 105/145. He told me I do NOT have high blood pressure, that my cuff does not work accurately, and that I should take it back. He said I may have pre-hypertension, which is still a concern, and that I may develop hypertension one day, maybe during my next pregnancy. He told me to follow a low-salt, low-fat diet, to lose weight and exercise, and to come back every two weeks to have my pressure monitored. He said I CAN have the D & C as scheduled. Okay, this is certainly a relief, but truth be told, I was confused, and more than a little skeptical. I WANT to believe his cuff read correctly, but since the first time I was there he used 4 different monitors, and got 4 different readings, 2 or which were high; and the fact that my cuff kept reading high; and the fact the prior to buying my cuff I went to Target a couple of times and used the cuff in the pharmacy department and it kept reading high (although it has been a few weeks since I have done this), I am just not 100% convinced. Well, I guess it is good that he has me coming back every 2 weeks for now to keep an eye on my pressure. So, now I will use this opportunity to make sure I do my part, to watch what I eat and to lose weight. The problem is, I know about calories and fat, but sodium is another issue. I have to educate myself, and I feel overwhelmed. Between fat, calories, and sodium, what can I actually eat? All the things I eat while trying to lose weight seem to have a lot of sodium (like turkey lunch meat, and cottage cheese, etc).

Then, the other issue, is the consistent motivation. I really have a problem with that, it truly is a struggle for me. It is very complex and I get so frustrated sometimes. The thing is, I am not giving up. I will keep trying and trying, and just make it a daily part of life. More than once in the past I said that maybe I am just meant to be fat, and that I should just love myself the way I am. I will never believe that again (I really didn't believe it then either, it was just an easy way out), because if I was meant to be fat, then I wouldn't have the health problems associated with it. And to tell the truth, I feel better when I am in control and disciplined, as though I am controlling my food issues rather than them controlling me. Even though I don't lose much weight in a day or two, I just FEEL much better, and I even feel more attractive physically, I feel like I like myself more. So, there you have it. I will keep you posted to my process along the way.

Balance

Okay, so since I have last posted I have been dealing with my feelings regarding my blood pressure issues, and fertility issues. I had actually joined Weight Watchers two weeks prior to my doctor's appointment where I found out about my blood pressure. If you read my previous posts, you know that weight loss is VERY hard for me. So, in the past four weeks, I have lost 7 lbs. I was hoping it would have been 10 lbs. (because I am very impatient, and because I feel like I have been making a LOT of sacrifices) but it is still a good loss. I have also been taking blood pressure three times a day, and it has been high and consistent. So, I go back to my family doctor on Tuesday and hopefully he will put me on medication, if indeed, my pressure is high. (Surprised to hear me say that?) I just want to get it under control so that I can have my D & C on the 9th and then spend the next couple/few months getting my pressure consistent and losing weight. I really want to be pregnant again.

On another note, I spent the weekend with my sister, and my son. My son and I went to my sister's house in Lansing (she has two houses, she is moving next weekend to her house here, in Berkley, so this is her last weekend in Lansing). My sister was sad at times, as she has been in that house a while and it means a lot to her. Still we had a good time. I love being with my son. He is just so adorable! He is developing more and more! He is starting to develop separation anxiety, and even reaches for me when he is with his Daddy, who spends a lot of time with him. It is kind of cute and sweet, and definitely re-affirming that he loves his Momma, but it is also difficult at times. Anyway, we had a nice time. We just relaxed, and played and bonded. Oh, and ate. And then I came home and ate some more. Well, tomorrow is a new day, and as my husband says, it is a process.

A Lot More Than I Bargained For

Okay, so last I spoke of my struggle with weight. Wow, have I got bigger issues now. (No pun intended, this is serious!) Well, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I had a miscarriage in the end of January of this year. Since then I have had irregular periods and some bleeding throughout my cycle. So, I have been communicating with my OBGYN regarding this issue. A couple weeks ago they had me come in for another ultrasound. It turns out they saw something near the opening of my uterus. Perhaps it is matter left from the miscarriage, they said. I had to come in and talk to the doctor. Great, 5+ months later and I may still be dealing with the miscarriage. For those of you who have had a miscarriage, you know how emotional an experience it is, and how grieving and time are the only healers, but to have to re-visit it so closely again, months later? I was not happy about this!

So, I see my doctor, and she tells me it is possible I will need to have a D & C, and that she wanted to do another ultrasound and a procedure called a penohystogram (spelling?), which would allow them to see even better than with an ultrasound. So, the gist of the story is that it is not matter left from the miscarriage, but that in the few months past I have developed a polyp. So, this is likely what is causing my irregular periods and keeping me from getting pregnant again. I do have to have a D & C, and then after a couple of months following the procedure, we can start trying again.

Ugh!

And to top it all off, as if that wasn't enough to deal with, I have had HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE lately! Me, the person who typically had low - normal blood pressure. It was first discovered at that doctors appt. and monitored since then. I have consequently gone to my PCP and even bought my own cuff. We are monitoring it, but it is very possible that by next week, I will be on a hypertension medication. So, we have to get my blood pressure controlled before I can even have the D & C, and then we have to wait until my blood pressure is well under control before we can even try to get pregnant again. Now, this is a lot to deal with, and this is even more unsettling than the female issues I am dealing with. This is scary, and let me tell you, I have been dealing with my share of emotions since finding all of this out. It has been a lot to take and I have been REALLY scared and upset about it all.

My family does not fare too well in the health department. So, all of my siblings, now including myself, have high cholesterol. Now I have high blood pressure on top of it? I can take blood pressure medication while trying to get pregnant and while pregnant and even while breast feeding, but I cannot take cholesterol medication. So, I have all these issues I am worried about. What does this mean to my longevity? What about heart attack? Stroke? Heart disease? Kidney failure? (Which my father, who is deceased, suffered from). The doctor believes if I lose weight, I may be able to control my blood pressure (my father also had high blood pressure, and was thin) but that high cholesterol is genetic in my family. My mother, who is also deceased, had high cholesterol, and I got some of these health issues from both sides.

So, in my fear of dying young, and of leaving my son early, like my parents left me, I have been watching what I eat. Let me tell you, it has been hard. I am now aware of so many bad habits that I have, and it is hard to make changes. I have also been walking for exercise a good amount, but I want to do more. I am also afraid that I will lose my motivation.

So, next Tuesday I go back to my PCP for the final word, and I am still awaiting him to give his permission for me to have the procedure, so that I can get on with healing, in order to try to get pregnant again. (My husband is more than ready, as he says, he is not getting any younger!) I often say had I not had a miscarriage, I would be 6.5 months pregnant now, but instead I am dealing with all these health issues and this really sucks! But my husband says he doesn't like to think like that, it is what it is. Sometimes I can't help but think that some things are just not fair.

Truth be told, I can put things into perspective. I am SO fortunate to have one healthy, beautiful, sweet, amazing and fun son. If that is all we are able to have, I am still a very lucky woman. But, I still can't help but feel sad and disappointed for what I have lost, and what I am going through, and for all the uncertainty. And in the big scheme of things, the blood pressure issue, and being healthy and alive for many more years, is by far the most important factor. I want to live much longer, and I want to be healthy doing so.

Wish me luck! I will continue to post regarding my situation.

Hooters! Hooters! Hooters!

This is the newest addition to my son's helium balloon collection. We went to Hooters last night. My son charmed one of the pretty waitresses and got a balloon out of it. He was the only kid in the whole room that got a balloon.

Hooters, what a place. Great wings, great bar food. The waitresses are pretty and wear those skimpy outfits. I kinda feel weird being there. Like it's a place for men. (Not to mention it makes me feel very aware of my out-of-shape body while I am eating wings, nachos, and other fattening foods while these women run around in outfits that are so little, there is no way to hide any body fat, and they evidently have NONE!)

As I was walking by one of the tables, I saw a little boy, probably a toddler, reach up for one of these pretty waitresses as she walked by, and he let out a little whine when she kept on walking past. A man at another table saw this and laughed, as if to say "I feel the same way buddy".

This whole experience makes me think further of my own struggles with food, weight, and body image. Back in high school I had really low self esteem. I did not like who I was on the inside at all. So, I put a lot of effort in looking good on the outside, and I did a great job. I was hot! I got my validation that way. The girls loved my hair, and the guys loved my body! I remember being painfully shy at times. But I remember getting attention from the most popular male seniors at parties, while I was a sophomore and junior, there with my foot-ball player boyfriend. I never accepted the invitations, nor encouraged them, but it sure felt great!

Over the years I have worked HARD to get well emotionally. I have succeeded. I really like who I am on the inside. This has been very important, because no matter how good I looked on the outside, I was miserable because of what I felt on the inside. So, now I feel much better. But now, the outside I don't like so much. I know there are so many deeper issues to consider (such as that my mother was over-weight for years and that perhaps this is how I identify with her; or that due to the chaos in my household while I was growing up, we often ate junk food and did not exercise as a family at all; and others as well).

I am just tired of feeling out of control regarding food, I am tired of watching my weight go up year after year, and of extending the 10-lb. range that I swear I will never get past, each time I get past it. I am tired of looking in the mirror and hating my body. I am tired of only focusing on what a good person, mother, sister, therapist, etc. that I am, and NOT being able to add anything about being sexy and self-disciplined (in this area) to the list. I am tired of my "process" (I have said it is a "process" for a while now) being about thinking about weight loss but not being weight lost.

I am really glad that I like who I am. I really do feel MUCH better than I did back then, I never want to feel that way again. I am glad that I can look in the mirror and say that I am really good with who I am. I do think I am smart, kind, funny, compassionate, worthy, and an overall good person. But I can't say I am sexy, or in good shape.

I don't understand why I can't be all these things at once. Why, if I like myself so much, can't I lose weight and exercise regularly? I am certainly someone who wants to be healthy, even more than I want to look sexy. I want to be around for a long time, and to feel pretty good during that time. Also, truth be told, I do want to know that when my husband looks at me, he thinks I am sexy, and feels turned on. I know this is important to him, and while I know he loves me regardless, I wish I could do this, for me and for him.

Interesting that an entry which started out about helium balloons from Hooters lead me to think about my struggles with weight. I will have to think more on it.