Bittersweet

My period is approx. one week late, take or give. I am usually really regular. I had been on the pill for many years, and was VERY regular then. Since stopping the pill, about one year ago, I have been regular, within two days, so my cycles would be 28 - 30 days long. I am NEVER this late.

Could I be pregnant this time? Could it actually be so? It has been so bitter-sweet already, with thinking it could be possible, yet remembering all the past months' let downs, including the month that two pregnancy tests came up positive and then I got my period two days later and the test then came up negative. I (well, we - my husband and I) have been so disappointed. This is our 8th month of trying. I NEVER thought it would take us so long.

Today I feel as though I am getting my period. I have felt that way for the past few days, only moreso today. However, no signs of an actual period, though, not even light. So, I take the pregnancy test, the last one I have in my closet. What are the results? Well, the test window, the one that MUST have a line in it, shows NOTHING. And of course, the result window shows a negative result. So, the directions say that if the test window shows nothing, I am to discard the test, considering it void, and retake on a new stick. Fine, but how do I not consider this a let-down, and be fearful to try again, only to get my hopes let down again? Not to mention, I do not have any more tests.

So, I did not mention to my husband my experience with the test this morning, as he too gets disappointed and is even more apprehensive about getting his hopes up than I am. Nonetheless, I feel sad today and he could tell. So, here he is comforting me, while I am sure he must be sad too.

It also doesn't help that I don't know what the problem is. He went twice and had his sperm tested, the results being "Normal", whatever that means. He, unlike me, accepts that fully as an answer. Whereas I would want to know, what does normal mean? What are the numbers? What is average? What is problematic? Etc.

So, now I feel a little deflated. I should mention however that I have an appt. with my OB at the end of this month for my annual and to start the process of tests, etc. on my part. I know my husband and I will have a baby one way or the other, one day, I just wish it was this way, and now. Besides, we have a really good relationship and a really good life, baby or no baby. We have worked really hard on our relationship, have been in couple's therapy for years, and each in individual therapy too. No one can say we didn't work hard on this one. And the work has paid off. Our emotional connection is wonderful and our communication is pretty good.

So, I guess it all depends on which perspective I focus on. The thing is, since we worked hard on our relationship, and were REALLY careful in the years prior to our marriage to not get pregnant (I was not going to get pregnant until I was ready) and since we never rushed into marriage, I guess I assumed we would get pregnant when we wanted to. You know, since we did it "right" and all. I was perhaps too cocky. (No pun intended). So, here we are, like many other couples, dealing with trying to get pregnant, month after month.

People continually tell us "Relax, then it will happen". To me, that is like telling someone who is single and really doesn't want to be that love will happen when s/he stops looking. How do you relax/stop looking when it is what you want the most? I do realize that people intend well when they say these things. And I do know it is important to have fun as much as possible when having sex, and we try to do that. Like I said, we have a good relationship and really like each other. Well, anyway, I guess we'll see what happens. I may or may not buy more pregnancy tests. Perhaps I will wait to see if I get my period in the next day or two. What else can I do besides keep living my life? Waiting and disappointment suck sometimes. I am trying to deal, though.