Hooters! Hooters! Hooters!

This is the newest addition to my son's helium balloon collection. We went to Hooters last night. My son charmed one of the pretty waitresses and got a balloon out of it. He was the only kid in the whole room that got a balloon.

Hooters, what a place. Great wings, great bar food. The waitresses are pretty and wear those skimpy outfits. I kinda feel weird being there. Like it's a place for men. (Not to mention it makes me feel very aware of my out-of-shape body while I am eating wings, nachos, and other fattening foods while these women run around in outfits that are so little, there is no way to hide any body fat, and they evidently have NONE!)

As I was walking by one of the tables, I saw a little boy, probably a toddler, reach up for one of these pretty waitresses as she walked by, and he let out a little whine when she kept on walking past. A man at another table saw this and laughed, as if to say "I feel the same way buddy".

This whole experience makes me think further of my own struggles with food, weight, and body image. Back in high school I had really low self esteem. I did not like who I was on the inside at all. So, I put a lot of effort in looking good on the outside, and I did a great job. I was hot! I got my validation that way. The girls loved my hair, and the guys loved my body! I remember being painfully shy at times. But I remember getting attention from the most popular male seniors at parties, while I was a sophomore and junior, there with my foot-ball player boyfriend. I never accepted the invitations, nor encouraged them, but it sure felt great!

Over the years I have worked HARD to get well emotionally. I have succeeded. I really like who I am on the inside. This has been very important, because no matter how good I looked on the outside, I was miserable because of what I felt on the inside. So, now I feel much better. But now, the outside I don't like so much. I know there are so many deeper issues to consider (such as that my mother was over-weight for years and that perhaps this is how I identify with her; or that due to the chaos in my household while I was growing up, we often ate junk food and did not exercise as a family at all; and others as well).

I am just tired of feeling out of control regarding food, I am tired of watching my weight go up year after year, and of extending the 10-lb. range that I swear I will never get past, each time I get past it. I am tired of looking in the mirror and hating my body. I am tired of only focusing on what a good person, mother, sister, therapist, etc. that I am, and NOT being able to add anything about being sexy and self-disciplined (in this area) to the list. I am tired of my "process" (I have said it is a "process" for a while now) being about thinking about weight loss but not being weight lost.

I am really glad that I like who I am. I really do feel MUCH better than I did back then, I never want to feel that way again. I am glad that I can look in the mirror and say that I am really good with who I am. I do think I am smart, kind, funny, compassionate, worthy, and an overall good person. But I can't say I am sexy, or in good shape.

I don't understand why I can't be all these things at once. Why, if I like myself so much, can't I lose weight and exercise regularly? I am certainly someone who wants to be healthy, even more than I want to look sexy. I want to be around for a long time, and to feel pretty good during that time. Also, truth be told, I do want to know that when my husband looks at me, he thinks I am sexy, and feels turned on. I know this is important to him, and while I know he loves me regardless, I wish I could do this, for me and for him.

Interesting that an entry which started out about helium balloons from Hooters lead me to think about my struggles with weight. I will have to think more on it.