Wednesday, March 21, 2007

To Mom

Where does the time go? So many things have changed, time just flies by. It's like things were one way, my son was an infant, I was the mom of an infant, my main purpose was to meet his needs and love and connect with him, as he was so dependent. Then I blink and he is turning one and has changed and developed so much and is his own person. It is so amazing! (He is so amazing, and so fun!) We are planning his first birthday party, which is this weekend. (WOW!) He is doing new things just about every day. He has such a personality!

Another first, yesterday we had to take him to get his first haircut. I wanted to wait, I really did. But my son was born with a full head of hair, and it grew and grew and grew. It was so long and curly that people always said "Oh, what a beautiful little girl. Look at that hair, those cheeks and those blue eyes". Well, now he still has the cheeks and eyes, but his hair is much shorter. Actually, it is beautiful. Being shorter the curls are more enhanced. I did not get his hair buzzed or cut very short. I got the length cut and the rest of it trimmed. It really is adorable now, and so curly! I love it. I wanted to wait, though, because of two reasons. First, it means something in the Jewish religion to wait until the boys are three to get their first haircut. In short, it symbolizes the cycle of life and birth. Some of the important aspects in life (according to the Jewish philosophy) happen in or come in threes. So, thus waiting till they are three to cut their hair. I have found though, that some Jewish people who are more reform may wait only until the boys reach their first birthday (especially if they have a lot of hair, like my son). I had at very least wanted to wait until after his first birthday. But it really was getting WAY out of control, and starting to look straggly. I wanted it to look nice for his birthday party. So, I succumbed and we did it. Now, I am glad, but it does remind me that he is getting bigger and older, and he looks more like a toddler now.

The other reason I wanted to wait was more about my emotional attachment to his hair and what cutting it meant. For me, it meant that he is growing up and that he is no longer the infant that he was. (I am so glad for how happy, stable, adjusted, and healthy he is. What an accomplishment, but I do miss my dependent infant, I miss being the mom to an infant.) It just made me to sad to consider cutting it. As if not cutting it would keep my son from growing up, and eventually growing less dependent on me). But, symbolic or not, his hair kept growing and kept getting more out of control. Not to mention, he was still growing and developing even when I didn't cut it. So, logic and biological progress won out, and we cut it. (And intellectually, I know he has to become more independent, and eventually break away from me, that it is a good thing. It is the cycle of his growth, and I support that).

Another issue as of late is the approaching first anniversary of my mom's passing. She died when my son was 5 weeks old. He is almost a year old, and her death was almost a year ago. In a way, it feels like less than a year. To say a year, to me, sounds somewhat like a long time. It makes me think of how my dad died 21 years ago. While I miss him, my life has changed so much since then, I have changed so much since then. I am used to my life without him. I don't feel used to my life without my mom at all, and nor do I want to be. (That is one of the things that makes me saddest. I know that with time, I WILL get used to my life without her, and that I am supposed to. I have to keep living and keep embracing life). I know this, but still, I don't want to get used to my life without her, as if it means I am letting go of her. I suspect that, on a subconscious level,cutting my son's hair meant further acknowledging the passing of my mother, and the time that has gone by. And that cutting his hair meant that he will grow and eventually leave me, just like my mother left me.

On the other hand, it feels like more than a year. I think about my son, who was 5 weeks old, and truly an infant. This is the last time my mother saw my son. He has changed and developed SO much since then. When I think of it in these terms, when I think of how much she missed out on, all the milestones that have occurred since then, it feels like more than a year.

Also, I had a miscarriage. My husband and I were trying to get pregnant, and did so in December. I was due to have the baby September 18, 2007. When I was 7 weeks pregnant, I miscarried. This pregnancy was another issue of conflicted feelings for me. While I really wanted to be pregnant again, I felt sort of disloyal to my son, as he is still so young. At that point he was only 8 1/2 mos. old. Then, the miscarriage occurred and I felt sad, but it only made me embrace my son all the more, if that was even possible. So, we will try again soon, and I can only look at it as though that pregnancy was not meant to be, and that when we are meant to get pregnant, we will. (And my son will be at least a year old by then, which thinking about it now, feels better).

In April we are taking a cruise. Myself, my husband, my son and my sister. We decided to take my son because we couldn't bear the idea of leaving him for a week, and because we want him with us, he is part of our family. I am really looking forward to it, I love cruising (not as much as my husband, who has been on many cruises) and I love warm vacations, and all of my very favorite people will be going. I can't wait to relax and play with all of these people I love so much. This is something else I have to look forward to.

Looking forward to things, dealing with things, both good and bad. I think that's the point. That is life. My mom is gone, and it makes me so sad, but I have so many good things in my life, and I know I need to embrace them. No matter what I do, even if I were to try to stop really living, stop embracing life, it will not bring my mom back. And I know she would want me to be as happy and fulfilled as I could.

I miss my mother so much. Every day I wish I could see her, show her my beautiful son, go to her house. I can't help but think about how we lived so close to one another, 5 minutes apart. Now that I work part-time, I am home a lot, and could have easily brought my son to see her often. But we will never be able to do that. I have to believe she sees him, and she knows. I also believe that she would want me live my life to the fullest, and that is what I intend to do.

Here's to you Mom! I love you.

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