It's Been Forever

Hi Everyone. I am back. I haven't posted since July. I guess I just wasn't in the mood, and I always feel so busy, and tired. Well, partly this is due to the fact that I am chasing my 22-month old son around. He is so busy! (Finished his physical therapy and occupational therapy and is doing well!) Partly this is due to me being pregnant, again! (Yeah!) I am 23 weeks along, and we are having a girl this time! All is going well, and she is active and healthy. Life is busy, but it is good! I will post more later, I just wanted to leave an update.

He's the Boss

Have I mentioned that my son is in occupational therapy? He just started, this week. He receives it three times a week, on Tuesdays at 10 a.m., Wednesdays at 10 a.m. and Thursdays at 8 a.m. Guess what time he wakes up usually? Around 7:30. Guess what time he takes his morning nap usually? Around 10:30. So, he is no good for his 10 a.m. appointment and even worse for his 8 a.m. appointment. I think that a 9 a.m. appointment would be ideal, but of course, it is not available.

For those of you who are familiar with taking a 15- month old to occupational therapy, it is relatively painless (or so one would think). The focus is eating and playing, sounds pretty sweet to me. My son also had physical therapy for 2 months, which was much more intense, and much harder. There he was forced to do things like sit up, roll over, get into four-point, and eventually crawl. He cried and cried, but he worked while crying.

The thing is, he had physical therapy first, which made sense since he was further behind in large motor development than fine motor development, and therefore, this was more of a concern. Now, though, it is time for occupational therapy. It is at the same facility, with therapists who wear the same outfits as the PT's, they wear scrubs. So, guess what happens? My son doesn't even give OT a chance. He is so traumatized from PT, that as soon as he gets in there, he cries. And cries and cries. He doesn't settle enough to allow himself the time to realize that the OT's are not going to make him crawl, or get on his knees. All they want to do is play and help him eat (two of his very favorite things, and two of the things he is REALLY good at while at home).

The poor guy does cry the whole time. The problem is, he can't cry and eat, or cry and pick up small toys and play with them, the way he CAN cry and crawl. It is very different. The poor occupational therapists. They both have questioned what the physical therapists did to my poor son to traumatize him so much. He has had three sessions so far. The first session he cried. The second session he cried on and off, but definitely did better. The third session he cried even harder than at the first. Unfortunately, the third session is the only one my husband has been able to attend thus far, so he is not feeling encouraged. And, time is not on our side. We only have 60 consecutive calendar days of therapy (not 60 consecutive sessions, but calendar days. Which comes to be less than 2 months, which is why we bring him three times a week. Insurance really sucks sometimes!)So, by the time he is comfortable with the therapist and understands that OT is different than PT, it will be time for his therapy to end.

The therapists are very kind and compassionate to my son. I really feel for them, too. Today's therapist said that my son is very sensitive, and my husband agreed. I tend to think that rather than sensitive, he is very smart, and expressive. He is the one who is dominating the sessions, and he lets us know how he feels about it. As soon as we leave the room, he is feeling better and by the time we reach the car, he is all smiles. Guess what he did when we got home? Ate breakfast and played with his toys! Can you imagine? What we asked him to do was so terrible, he wanted to do it at home, immediately! I have always said, he is strong-willed, and will do what he wants, on his time. Just like at physical therapy, they would try to get him to turn or crawl, and he would REFUSE. But guess what he would do at home while playing? Turn, crawl, and whatever else he has just refused to do in physical therapy.

Sensitive? Naw, I say he is just exerting his authority. That's my boy.

Lemonade

Things are looking better around here! First, my son, who is 15 months old, is finally crawling! Is he ever, he is all over the place, just as it should be! He had been behind, due to what was labeled being "a late bloomer" (which works for me, over the alternative - other, more severe diagnoses). He started crawling on July 1st and hasn't stopped ever since. This kid is busy! I love it!

Also, I had my D & C yesterday. It all went well, and the doctor found a polyp, as she suspected she would. My blood pressure has been normal - slightly high only. So, while I continue to work to control it, I feel much less worried about it, and about the surgery. We have to wait one cycle and then we can start to try to get pregnant again.

My sister, who moved here last weekend from Lansing, has two houses, and has been paying two mortgages for some time now. She just got an offer on her house that she can live with, and pending the inspection, she sold her house. This is a big relief to her and makes her feel happy. I am happy for her. Plus I love having her here full-time. Once she gets her new house all set up, my son will be spending a lot of time there with her, I really want them to be close. Plus, a sleep-over for them will be fun, and it will be fun for Mom and Dad, too, when our boy sleeps at his Aunt's house! ;O)

So, even though things could be better, they could really be worse. I love lemonade!

World's Meanest Mom

I feel like the world's meanest mom. As I mentioned in my previous posting, we went to a birthday party this afternoon for my friend's little boy. As soon as we got there, my son noticed the balloons and wanted one. So, he got a red balloon and kept it with him the whole time of the party. He even held the balloon in the car, while he slept, on the way home. So, once home, he held that balloon, and even took it into his bedroom at bedtime. However, once I put him in his crib, he got VERY upset with me when I tried to take it away. He was so mad, and he cried and cried. So, what did I do? I gave it back to him, of course, because we all know that is the right thing to do! But I kept thinking of how dangerous it is for him to have this balloon with the long string with him in bed. I kept picturing him rolling over and strangling himself with it. So, I went back in and took it away from him, AGAIN! He got upset then too, but not as much. I think it is very sweet how much he LOVES his balloons, but it is really hard when we have to take them away, it is like breaking his heart each time. I can't help but wonder if it is worth it for him to have a balloon at all? My husband says no. Me, I say yes. I feel if he gets that upset, he must love it as intensely. He gets more minutes of loving it and therefore of pleasure, than he does sadness and anger. I will always think that some sadness and anger is a small price to pay for pleasure and happiness. But to my son, I say, Sorry baby, for upsetting you.

Great News!

Okay, you may not know this, but my son has been in physical therapy for the past two months, he is behind developmentally, in regards to physical milestones. He hadn't started crawling yet, had showed no interest in walking, wasn't pulling up, was barely rolling over. Since then he has made huge progress with rolling over, with extending outside of his comfort zone and out of his favorite, most comfortable position of sitting on his bottom with his legs spread out in front of him, his tush seemingly planted to the floor. It has been pretty amazing to watch him develop, and to learn about all the steps that are involved in getting to something like crawling. So, while we have been very pleased with his progress, we have still be awaiting his crawling. With one week of therapy left, thanks to our health insurance, we have been told he is SO close to crawling, and should do it any time. I believe this, but the thing is, "any time" can be a week, or it can be seven. I know it will happen, but of course, I hope it is sooner rather than later. And, we have seen him get into position, but he always kept one leg bent to the side, and wouldn't push past it. So, we wait and try to encourage him. But tonight, HE DID IT! We were at my friend's son's birthday party, and he was getting cranky, he had hardly had a nap today. So, I took him into her den (a nice, large, open, carpeted room) to get away from all the noise and commotion outside. He was sitting on his tush on the floor and saw an orange ball he wanted (he LOVES balls). He saw the ball, went from a sitting position to his hands and knees, but then, instead of giving up after a little bit, he moved! He went for it! He crawled at least 6 feet, if not closer to 10 feet, to get this ball! Then, when he got to it, he sat back down on his tush! I was so happy and SO proud! Everyone in the room clapped. My baby is growing up! I was so impressed, I had nothing to do with it. He did it all on his own. All the times I put him in position and tried to get him to crawl, tonight, he did it all on his own, and then sat back down! I am SO happy and so relieved. I got tears in my eyes. My girlfriend saw this and said "Are you crying?" I said "I am". She said to the other people in the room that I am one of those moms who love their kids with all of their being. Guilty as charged!

My Baby

My pride and joy. Isn't he ADORABLE?

Update

Well, I had my doctor's appointment on Tuesday. My doctor had previously told me to bring a list of two-weeks worth of blood pressure testings, three times per day, and to bring my blood pressure monitor. So, I did as told. Each time I took my pressure with my cuff, it read somewhere around 105/150. We all know that is a high reading. So, guess what my pressure was at my doctor's office? 120/80. That is a good reading, not high at all. So, he took it with his manual cuff, and that is what he got for the reading. Then, he had me take it with mine, and of course, it came out as 105/145. He told me I do NOT have high blood pressure, that my cuff does not work accurately, and that I should take it back. He said I may have pre-hypertension, which is still a concern, and that I may develop hypertension one day, maybe during my next pregnancy. He told me to follow a low-salt, low-fat diet, to lose weight and exercise, and to come back every two weeks to have my pressure monitored. He said I CAN have the D & C as scheduled. Okay, this is certainly a relief, but truth be told, I was confused, and more than a little skeptical. I WANT to believe his cuff read correctly, but since the first time I was there he used 4 different monitors, and got 4 different readings, 2 or which were high; and the fact that my cuff kept reading high; and the fact the prior to buying my cuff I went to Target a couple of times and used the cuff in the pharmacy department and it kept reading high (although it has been a few weeks since I have done this), I am just not 100% convinced. Well, I guess it is good that he has me coming back every 2 weeks for now to keep an eye on my pressure. So, now I will use this opportunity to make sure I do my part, to watch what I eat and to lose weight. The problem is, I know about calories and fat, but sodium is another issue. I have to educate myself, and I feel overwhelmed. Between fat, calories, and sodium, what can I actually eat? All the things I eat while trying to lose weight seem to have a lot of sodium (like turkey lunch meat, and cottage cheese, etc).

Then, the other issue, is the consistent motivation. I really have a problem with that, it truly is a struggle for me. It is very complex and I get so frustrated sometimes. The thing is, I am not giving up. I will keep trying and trying, and just make it a daily part of life. More than once in the past I said that maybe I am just meant to be fat, and that I should just love myself the way I am. I will never believe that again (I really didn't believe it then either, it was just an easy way out), because if I was meant to be fat, then I wouldn't have the health problems associated with it. And to tell the truth, I feel better when I am in control and disciplined, as though I am controlling my food issues rather than them controlling me. Even though I don't lose much weight in a day or two, I just FEEL much better, and I even feel more attractive physically, I feel like I like myself more. So, there you have it. I will keep you posted to my process along the way.

Balance

Okay, so since I have last posted I have been dealing with my feelings regarding my blood pressure issues, and fertility issues. I had actually joined Weight Watchers two weeks prior to my doctor's appointment where I found out about my blood pressure. If you read my previous posts, you know that weight loss is VERY hard for me. So, in the past four weeks, I have lost 7 lbs. I was hoping it would have been 10 lbs. (because I am very impatient, and because I feel like I have been making a LOT of sacrifices) but it is still a good loss. I have also been taking blood pressure three times a day, and it has been high and consistent. So, I go back to my family doctor on Tuesday and hopefully he will put me on medication, if indeed, my pressure is high. (Surprised to hear me say that?) I just want to get it under control so that I can have my D & C on the 9th and then spend the next couple/few months getting my pressure consistent and losing weight. I really want to be pregnant again.

On another note, I spent the weekend with my sister, and my son. My son and I went to my sister's house in Lansing (she has two houses, she is moving next weekend to her house here, in Berkley, so this is her last weekend in Lansing). My sister was sad at times, as she has been in that house a while and it means a lot to her. Still we had a good time. I love being with my son. He is just so adorable! He is developing more and more! He is starting to develop separation anxiety, and even reaches for me when he is with his Daddy, who spends a lot of time with him. It is kind of cute and sweet, and definitely re-affirming that he loves his Momma, but it is also difficult at times. Anyway, we had a nice time. We just relaxed, and played and bonded. Oh, and ate. And then I came home and ate some more. Well, tomorrow is a new day, and as my husband says, it is a process.

A Lot More Than I Bargained For

Okay, so last I spoke of my struggle with weight. Wow, have I got bigger issues now. (No pun intended, this is serious!) Well, as I mentioned in an earlier post, I had a miscarriage in the end of January of this year. Since then I have had irregular periods and some bleeding throughout my cycle. So, I have been communicating with my OBGYN regarding this issue. A couple weeks ago they had me come in for another ultrasound. It turns out they saw something near the opening of my uterus. Perhaps it is matter left from the miscarriage, they said. I had to come in and talk to the doctor. Great, 5+ months later and I may still be dealing with the miscarriage. For those of you who have had a miscarriage, you know how emotional an experience it is, and how grieving and time are the only healers, but to have to re-visit it so closely again, months later? I was not happy about this!

So, I see my doctor, and she tells me it is possible I will need to have a D & C, and that she wanted to do another ultrasound and a procedure called a penohystogram (spelling?), which would allow them to see even better than with an ultrasound. So, the gist of the story is that it is not matter left from the miscarriage, but that in the few months past I have developed a polyp. So, this is likely what is causing my irregular periods and keeping me from getting pregnant again. I do have to have a D & C, and then after a couple of months following the procedure, we can start trying again.

Ugh!

And to top it all off, as if that wasn't enough to deal with, I have had HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE lately! Me, the person who typically had low - normal blood pressure. It was first discovered at that doctors appt. and monitored since then. I have consequently gone to my PCP and even bought my own cuff. We are monitoring it, but it is very possible that by next week, I will be on a hypertension medication. So, we have to get my blood pressure controlled before I can even have the D & C, and then we have to wait until my blood pressure is well under control before we can even try to get pregnant again. Now, this is a lot to deal with, and this is even more unsettling than the female issues I am dealing with. This is scary, and let me tell you, I have been dealing with my share of emotions since finding all of this out. It has been a lot to take and I have been REALLY scared and upset about it all.

My family does not fare too well in the health department. So, all of my siblings, now including myself, have high cholesterol. Now I have high blood pressure on top of it? I can take blood pressure medication while trying to get pregnant and while pregnant and even while breast feeding, but I cannot take cholesterol medication. So, I have all these issues I am worried about. What does this mean to my longevity? What about heart attack? Stroke? Heart disease? Kidney failure? (Which my father, who is deceased, suffered from). The doctor believes if I lose weight, I may be able to control my blood pressure (my father also had high blood pressure, and was thin) but that high cholesterol is genetic in my family. My mother, who is also deceased, had high cholesterol, and I got some of these health issues from both sides.

So, in my fear of dying young, and of leaving my son early, like my parents left me, I have been watching what I eat. Let me tell you, it has been hard. I am now aware of so many bad habits that I have, and it is hard to make changes. I have also been walking for exercise a good amount, but I want to do more. I am also afraid that I will lose my motivation.

So, next Tuesday I go back to my PCP for the final word, and I am still awaiting him to give his permission for me to have the procedure, so that I can get on with healing, in order to try to get pregnant again. (My husband is more than ready, as he says, he is not getting any younger!) I often say had I not had a miscarriage, I would be 6.5 months pregnant now, but instead I am dealing with all these health issues and this really sucks! But my husband says he doesn't like to think like that, it is what it is. Sometimes I can't help but think that some things are just not fair.

Truth be told, I can put things into perspective. I am SO fortunate to have one healthy, beautiful, sweet, amazing and fun son. If that is all we are able to have, I am still a very lucky woman. But, I still can't help but feel sad and disappointed for what I have lost, and what I am going through, and for all the uncertainty. And in the big scheme of things, the blood pressure issue, and being healthy and alive for many more years, is by far the most important factor. I want to live much longer, and I want to be healthy doing so.

Wish me luck! I will continue to post regarding my situation.