A Pleasurable Party

We had our party last night at our house. Boy, the weather during the day was really questionable. It rained SO hard and was muggy and cloudy. The forecast said it would clear up but it was stressing me. I just had visions of sitting outside, not inside, and being inside would have changed everything! Lucky for us, the weather did co-operate and it turned out to be a beautiful night.

The other stressor I had was my concern that no-one would show up, or only a very few people. I even had a dream the night prior that the only people who came were my two siblings and my parents and my one friend Rebecca. We were waiting on everyone else, and waiting and waiting. I was so disappointed and deflated.

Well, much more people than that came, but still fewer came than I expected. My parents came and stayed for a few hours, and a handful of my friends came and hung out a while too. All in all it was nice, and even though it didn't go late, it was still about 4 hours long. (God I feel old. I remember the days of major partying.) My husband said I was being overly persistent with feeding our guests alcohol, I guess it was my way to get them to stay.

Anyway, we of course had way too much food and drink, but it's okay. I always prefer to have too much than too little. I would feel like a terrible hostess if a guest wanted something and I ran out of it. Things went well, I was pleased, and I had fun, even though I wasn't drinking. (Who knew?) :o)

So, now I am being the bad wife and I am home while my husband is playing in his championship hockey game for this season. I had intended on going but I feel so tired and run down today. I also intended to get some paperwork done for work, but instead here I am, blogging. He is sweet, he understands and wants me to get some paperwork done. Thanks honey, you score a goal for me!

On an unrelated note, I have my first doctor's appointment on Thursday. I am excited, and I am certain it will make my pregnancy seem even more real. I am also nervous though, not knowing what to expect, and not wanting to see how much weight I have already gained. (I feel bloated, or fat, all the time now. I eat a lot too. In my 8th week and counting!) But I will be glad to hear how things are going.

Anyway, I should be a wife of my word, and do my paperwork!

Money Does Not Grow on Trees....

This morning I went to the neurologist (I get migraines). I had to be there at 8:15, which meant I had to leave my house by 7:45. Do you know I don't work today? I actually have not one client. Had I any suspicion of this when I scheduled this appointment, I would have made it for much later in the day, MUCH. I am NOT a morning person (how will I ever manage when I have a baby?), and this doctor's office is minutes away from my work, not my home. Anyway, I was up and out and got to my appointment on time.

My appointment was scheduled for 8:15. I probably saw the doctor by 8:20 and was out of there by 8:35. I literally saw the doctor for maybe 5 minutes. It was just long enough for him to tell me I look good (I do not pay you good money to go there. Besides, I have gained weight, so, please, spare me!). He also told me now that I am pregnant he can do nothing for me. There was this feeling in the air that he was rushing anyway. So, we had a 5-minute appointment, after which he told me he wants to see me in three months, "just to check in", and he walks me up front to pay my co-pay and schedule my next appointment. Good-bye doctor, you have been SO helpful! Guess how much my co-pay was? That's right, 80 friggin dollars. I knew you guessed it, as it is so reasonable. Now, I know it is not his fault that my co-pay is so high (that is an issue with our WONDERFUL (sarcasm) insurance, but we will save that one for another time. But, for $80. I would like more than 5 minutes of rush, and "you look good". Give me something, a pamphlet, some advice, etc. So, I, like the good girl I am, scheduled an appt. for three months. Will I actually go? NO! About a week or so prior I will inexpectedly have something come up, and will have to cancel, needing to call back to reschedule. I will reschedule, but only when I can actually take those wonder drugs he gives me (RELPAX - for you migraine sufferers, Imitrex didn't touch my industrial-strength headaches), and will go in begging for free samples. (Once again an insurance issue, $100. for 6 pills, ugh!)

Then I stopped by Mom's for breakfast, and they gave me eggs and fresh bagels, with my favorite- everything bagels. Yum! Thanks Mom and Carl (her significant other). Now, I am home, over-bidding for frivolous items on e-bay. (Not only am I obsessive, I am excessive too!) God, I really hope I get out-bidded for most of these items, otherwise my husband will NOT be pleased with me. We are spending a lot of money lately, as though we have it. The handy-man came yesterday, we are looking at $500 plus by the time the job is all finished. The carpet cleaners come today (this is what I am waiting for now), and don't forget, we are entertaining this weekend. So, we will of course spend money on food, drinks, accessories, etc.
Oh well, we might as well enjoy what we are spending our money on, right?

Worries and Irritants

Okay, a couple of things on my mind today. The first, of course, being my pregnancy :o). The second being the Woodward Dream Cruise. (If I knew how to insert a link, I would have one to the Dream Cruise so you could see for yourself how chaotic this thing is). (I am still learning, so bear with me.) Anyway, as far as my pregnancy goes, these are my thoughts as of late. I think about my symptoms, and one in particular scares me. Let me begins by stating I am slightly hypoglycemic even when not pregnant. I can actually feel my sugar going low and know when I need to eat, and if it's protein, all the better. I would be best served eating 6 small meals a day. That is hard, not the 6 meals part, but the small part. See, I can't eat small meals, it doesn't happen for me, so I get full and don't eat for hours later, thus continuing the cycle.

So, now that I am pregnant, I am experiencing periods where I am SO shaky and very sweaty. Sometimes, well, most of the time, I associate it with needing to eat, just as I mentioned above. But, this is worse, and it doesn't go away as easily when I do eat. So, I wonder, is it sugar related, or are there worse problems here? I will definitely have to mention this to my doctor, when I go Sept. 1. I am certain that the doctor will think I am neurotic, as I already have a list a mile long of questions to ask her. Like I said previously, that is my nature. I am a thinker. So, to add to this, now that I am worrying about possible problems, I am so worried about a miscarriage. I know they happen to many women, I know several personally. I understand they are devastating, and that you grieve, and move forward. (I am not intending to speak personally of a very personal experience, and do not intend to offend anyone reading this who may have her own experience with a miscarriage). But I am scared shitless of having one. I am scared of miscarriage, of problem pregnancy, of problems during birth, and of having a baby who is unhealthy in some way. Yes, I know all moms-to-be think about this. It is just so scary and I feel so powerless. Yes, I know that I have to have faith, and I have to take responsibility for the things I can control, and let God take care of the rest. I just worry, I really worry.

Onto the Dream Cruise. For those of you who live in this area and know what it is like, you get it. Otherwise, it is one day of the year, today actually. (But really, it starts so much sooner and goes on and on and on) and people from all around come to Woodward Ave. between 9 Mile (?) and go as far north as 15 mile (?). They bring their classic cars, or their modern cars, and drive up and down Woodward. People also come and sit all up and down the side-walks and in front of local businesses. Various vendors and radio stations are there. Local bars and restaurants make a big deal out of it. The problem is my husband and I live 4 blocks away from Woodward Ave, and this Dream Cruise, has impacted our life for at very least, the past few weeks now.

A month or two ago, we went walking south on Woodward to a local Blockbuster and saw people, lots of people, on the side of the street as well as driving by, starting that early. I hope that gives you some inclination how it has escalated since then. So, the irritation comes from not being able to drive one block down Woodward without being stuck in a traffic jam for a while, when I just want to return home from work. (And this was before this weekend).

The icing on the cake for my husband was earlie in the week when we were driving home down Woodward the other day, more north than most of the hub-bub, and we were in the left-most lane. We were behind someone driving a classic car of some sort, going about 22 m.p.h. in the fast lane. Well, while we were not on the driver's ass, we were closer than one car length behind him. He must have been irritated with us, after all, why should we be bothered that he was going 22 m.p.h. in the fast lane? He slowed down to about 15 m.p.h. and cracked his window, and flipped my husband off. My husband is a better man than I. I would have been so pissed. I was so pissed! And this is the way it goes.

8:00 this morning, one of the few Saturday mornings I can sleep in, (I work Saturdays and usually have to be up by 7) we were awoken by music and the sound of a d.j. I can only assume it was from the Dream Cruise itself or some festivity related to it. Just driving home from work today, crossing Woodward Ave. at 14 mile road took me 20 minutes. I will be glad when this is over. I am usually someone who respects each person's own individuality, and in the beginning of it all, I found my husband's references to those participants as "freaks" to be harsh and judgmental. My response was "to each his own". Now, I can say I am closer to sharing his sentiment.

Hormones!

There is so much people tell me about being pregnant and what to expect. I did not hear much about hormones, however. Am I in store for 40 weeks of emotional havoc????? This is like constant p.m.s.! I have been feeling particularly insecure, sensitive, TIRED, headachy, forgetful, bloated, and downright emotional lately. It's like I find myself having a larger-than-called-for reaction to certain situations, etc. I am aware that I am over-reacting (most of this over-reacting is internal, in the way I feel emotionally) and I am aware that logic exists somewhere within me, but it must have gotten lost somewhere, as though it got sucked into some black hole, because no matter how hard I try, the emotions over-rule. It can be very exhausting. Because let's face it, I am someone who constantly thinks and second-guesses myself anyway, add this to the mix. Wow!

This being said, I am thoroughly enjoying this miracle which is happening inside me. I love to read books and web-sites and imagine just exactly what is happening to my little fetus. Today I am 6 weeks pregnant. Each and every day I am so grateful that another day has passed without problems. I really want this to go well and be a healthy and full-term pregnancy. (I know, who doesn't want that?) I am still so excited! I could just pinch myself (the self-destructiveness in me, again!) If only I had started this blog sooner, then you could really hear how challenging the last 8 months have been for my husband and me. Truth be told, it's better for us all that now I can write about how wonderful the next 34 weeks will be!

On another note, I got my new car yesterday. I really stressed a lot over which car to get. Why are decisions like that so hard for me? I did my research, checked our budget, involved my husband, shopped around. It came down to two different cars and I liked them both. I guess I had to feel frusturated enough between vacillating back and forth before I could make a decision. I love my new car, and I am really happy with the choice I made. No regrets. I have heard from more than a couple of people that I "should be proud of myself" for shopping around so much and doing my research. What these people don't realize is that I teeter on the line between thorough and obsessive. Well, the car purchase is one thing crossed off my to-do list. Now, to prepare for the party! It's always something with me!

Perspective, Again.

Things have been a whirlwind lately. Well, funny how things turn out, but I did do another pregnancy test, and this one worked right away. Guess what? It came back POSITIVE! Woohoo! So, I showed my husband when he came home for lunch. He was pleased but very cautious. We decided we would wait until Sunday and do another one and then we would tell people. (Although we told my sister on Thursday). So, we did another on Sunday and it too came back positive. We told all our close friends and family. I can't believe it finally happened. I am so happy, and I am so grateful we did it without intervention. I really pray and hope now that all goes well.

Aside from that very exciting news, my lease is up this coming weekend which means I have to get a new car. We have been shopping around and I have it narrowed down to two. Who knew this would be such a hard process? Why am I having a difficult time making a decision? This is causing me some stress, as I don't do well having a "To do" list hanging over my head. I will be glad when it is all said and done, and I can cross it off my list.

Another big thing hanging over my head is this party we are having at our house on the 27th of August. I am so excited. We NEVER entertain, other than my siblings. So, it will be great to have a party at our house. Plus this pushes us to get the handy man out here and to get the carpet cleaners out here as well. But it also means a lot more things to do, more organizing, shopping (spending money - ugh!), and yard work to worry about. I know it will be fun, and I know we will not accomplish everything we want, and when it is here, I will not worry about it, because there will be nothing I can do by then. But until then, this is the subject I am obsessing about in the middle of the night when I wake up to shift positions, or to use the rest room, or to pull the covers on or off.

I should really be complaining, right? All these issues are blessings. I have so many blessings in my life, and I know things could be worse. Really I do see that. It just depends, once again, which perspective I am looking from. Oh, by the way, I AM GONNA BE A MOM!!!!! :o)

Bittersweet

My period is approx. one week late, take or give. I am usually really regular. I had been on the pill for many years, and was VERY regular then. Since stopping the pill, about one year ago, I have been regular, within two days, so my cycles would be 28 - 30 days long. I am NEVER this late.

Could I be pregnant this time? Could it actually be so? It has been so bitter-sweet already, with thinking it could be possible, yet remembering all the past months' let downs, including the month that two pregnancy tests came up positive and then I got my period two days later and the test then came up negative. I (well, we - my husband and I) have been so disappointed. This is our 8th month of trying. I NEVER thought it would take us so long.

Today I feel as though I am getting my period. I have felt that way for the past few days, only moreso today. However, no signs of an actual period, though, not even light. So, I take the pregnancy test, the last one I have in my closet. What are the results? Well, the test window, the one that MUST have a line in it, shows NOTHING. And of course, the result window shows a negative result. So, the directions say that if the test window shows nothing, I am to discard the test, considering it void, and retake on a new stick. Fine, but how do I not consider this a let-down, and be fearful to try again, only to get my hopes let down again? Not to mention, I do not have any more tests.

So, I did not mention to my husband my experience with the test this morning, as he too gets disappointed and is even more apprehensive about getting his hopes up than I am. Nonetheless, I feel sad today and he could tell. So, here he is comforting me, while I am sure he must be sad too.

It also doesn't help that I don't know what the problem is. He went twice and had his sperm tested, the results being "Normal", whatever that means. He, unlike me, accepts that fully as an answer. Whereas I would want to know, what does normal mean? What are the numbers? What is average? What is problematic? Etc.

So, now I feel a little deflated. I should mention however that I have an appt. with my OB at the end of this month for my annual and to start the process of tests, etc. on my part. I know my husband and I will have a baby one way or the other, one day, I just wish it was this way, and now. Besides, we have a really good relationship and a really good life, baby or no baby. We have worked really hard on our relationship, have been in couple's therapy for years, and each in individual therapy too. No one can say we didn't work hard on this one. And the work has paid off. Our emotional connection is wonderful and our communication is pretty good.

So, I guess it all depends on which perspective I focus on. The thing is, since we worked hard on our relationship, and were REALLY careful in the years prior to our marriage to not get pregnant (I was not going to get pregnant until I was ready) and since we never rushed into marriage, I guess I assumed we would get pregnant when we wanted to. You know, since we did it "right" and all. I was perhaps too cocky. (No pun intended). So, here we are, like many other couples, dealing with trying to get pregnant, month after month.

People continually tell us "Relax, then it will happen". To me, that is like telling someone who is single and really doesn't want to be that love will happen when s/he stops looking. How do you relax/stop looking when it is what you want the most? I do realize that people intend well when they say these things. And I do know it is important to have fun as much as possible when having sex, and we try to do that. Like I said, we have a good relationship and really like each other. Well, anyway, I guess we'll see what happens. I may or may not buy more pregnancy tests. Perhaps I will wait to see if I get my period in the next day or two. What else can I do besides keep living my life? Waiting and disappointment suck sometimes. I am trying to deal, though.

The day after

So, I feel a little different today than I did last night. I woke up somewhat early for a Sunday. I had to drive to pick my mother up from my sister's house, about one and a half hours away. I was REALLY tired. I was more buzzed last night than I wanted to admit. Thankfully, I have no hangover today, but I have been dragging all day, and my stomach has been a little unsettled. Today, I craved sleep, which I did not get, and icecream, which I did get. Other than the drive to and from my sister's, I was useless. My poor husband, how it must feel for him to be right so much of the time. Perhaps I should consider laying low on the wine for a while. I have been drinking more lately, what with our recent vacation, etc. Well, a good night of sleep and then I truly will feel more like me.

Wine, sweet wine!

This evening we went to a wedding dinner for people I don't even know. They are the daughter and son-in-law, who live either in Ireland or London (my husband and I disagree on this issue) and who got married in October 2004 (one week after we did actually), of my mother-in-law's ex-sister-in-law. My mother-in-law's brother was the husband of the bride's mother (he has since passed away). Whew, that was confusing and exhausting just typing it!

So, we went to this dinner party at a resturant that I have never been to andI had mixed feelings. I like to party, to eat out, to try new places to eat, to dance, to be socialable, and to mingle. But truth be told, I am kind of shy. So, while I can eventually warm up, it helps to have someone encouraging me, or something encouraging me (good, reliable wine). See, my husband is less sociable than I, and RARELY (I cannot stess this "rarely" enough) drinks. He will not be the one encouraging me. Hence, he is no help in these situations. So, get a couple glasses of wine in me, and I feel less self-conscious. Which is exactly what happened tonight.

My only complaint is that my husband can tell when I have been drinking, and this is well before I am wasted, which I seriously try not to be, and most of the time I am successful. It has been years, thankfully. Nonetheless, he does not approve and feels drinking is unnecessary and a waste of calories. He talks of exercise, and how drinking will stand in the way of my work-out the next day. If it's not exercise, then it is some other issue and his disapproval is clear. Let's just say the man is a work-out addict, and I am far from it. Truth be told, one more glass of wine will NOT keep me from exercising. I can do that all on my own, I do not need alcohol for that. I need alcohol to help me do things I WANT to, and exercise is not one of them.

So, I drink and he doesn't, and soemtimes that is boring. Therefore, sometimes, I must amuse myself. And I turn to my girlfriends, some of whom are really reliable in this area. Oh well, we all have issues in our relationships we must work on, right? Maybe some day we will meet more in the middle.

Interested but uncertain....

Well, this is blog number one for me. I have been reading my friend's friend's blog for a little while now. I guess it is hard to put into words all the feelings that have been evoked in reading that blog. I am not even sure I can write anything interesting enough to read, but I figure "what the hell?" If nothing else, it will help me organize my thoughts.
Reading the blog made me aware of a whole society out there. I am envious, and feel left out. Well, I should also say that I mostly read mommy blogs and my friend and her friends are mommies, and have play groups and play dates, and all that stuff. I am not a mommy, not for a lack of trying though. So, despite trying for the last 9 months, my husband and I have not been able to get pregnant (yet) and therefore I am not a part of this elite club. Therefore, we miss out on the special secrets that only mommies in play groups share. Not to mention that it will take us forever to catch up, that my friend has 4 children under the age of 4, and by the time we have our first, well, you get the picture.
It seems writing like this brings forth honesty and passion, at least in the blogs I have read thus far. I want to know more about the writers of the blogs, but I am too shy to send an e-mail to a stranger. What would I say, "Hi, I just read your blog. You seem really interesting" ?
What do people write about anyway? Will people really want to read my blog? Maybe it will take me some time, time to get comfortable. I didn't even know what to title this blog.
Okay, let's see how this one goes. A work in progress, right?Good bye, for now!